Salutations Internet World ~
Not lonely but content. #jafeel
❥ I’d say something strange happened to me while I was showering. All of a sudden, I feel as if my life had related to some post I saw on tumblr; something about how I’m only miserable (totally not, but in terms, then yes) because I won’t let myself go past miserable, because I am too comfortable with misery. At first it had me going, “Like, what the fuck?! LOL.” But now, I guess I realized that’s the case. I have been holding myself back. I know this because I go about every day feeling and thinking of how disappointed I am at myself and at the world. Completely cliche, but everything does happen for a reason. Like something horrible could be seen as something nearing amazing. I want to do so many things, but I feel so discouraged all the time. Am I discouraged by myself or by others? I feel as if it is myself that is not letting me, so why should I be pissed off at the world and at others? If you’re actually reading this and going “huh?!?”, well, for example: I am completely terrified of speaking up. That’s a shock right? I’m usually known for being overly obnoxious. (There we go, I’m bagging on myself *stops*) I mean, talking to another person face to face isn’t my fear, it is speaking to a crowd of people, and especially my peers and my teachers due to the fact they could possibly or will think of me as a moron. But why be discouraged? It will happen, or it had already happened. I realized I just have to go for it, either way I’ll still learn something from the experience, even if it costs me the little dignity I have for myself; maybe it won’t, I should see it as a learning experience with feedback, regardless of it either being positive or negative.
❥ (tumblr totally deleted my thoughts and feelings post during the moment at lunch today, but it’s okay, it’s let out) The past couple of weeks, I actually cherish having a beautiful view of nature while I gorge on my sandwich alone. It’s me, nature, and the soothing sounds of very soft music. Loneliness could be a good thing, I wouldn’t have to worry about anyone else but myself, and that’s what I have been doing.
❥ I guess the company I have here and then are classified as friends (including my mom). I have to respect that in order to establish a stronger relationship, I must unmask these masks. I honestly do not understand why is that I am too afraid to tell people my ambitions, but not so afraid of inclination (if that makes sense..).
Completely upsetting when you have a crap load to vent and tumblr keeps lagging which leads to a 50/50 chance whether or not the massive text has been deleted.